Depression

My depression has returned to me full throttle. I have been off my meds now for more than 2 months, which I know many have said not to do. I understand that it will be a daily struggle until I can turn my thoughts into Godly thoughts all the time. Ok, I understand that's a bit unrealistic, however, I'll set a goal for 90% of the time. That would be awesome.

So, the last several days have been a horrible struggle for me. I feel like I want to cry all the time, feel angry and wanting to be alone. There so many emotions and things that go along with depression. For me, I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Today I fought that though. With help from my husband, I got up at 5am and exercised. Yes, exercise is a way of helping eliminate symptoms of depression. So, I did it reluctantly. We did the cardio P90X today. It was a good workout, but didn't boost my emotional state one bit.

So, today I was given the following scriptures to look at:

Isaiah 61:10 (The Message)

^10-11I will sing for joy in God,
explode in praise from deep in my soul!
He dressed me up in a suit of salvation,
he outfitted me in a robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo
and a bride a jeweled tiara.
For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers,
and as a garden cascades with blossoms,
So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom
and puts praise on display before the nations.

So, I need to make sure I'm giving God the praise He so deserves. Being as beautiful as He sees me. Allow myself to sing with praise all day long...

Psalm 34 (The Message)

Psalm 34

¹ I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise. God gave be breath!

² I live and breathe God;
if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy: Yes as they do in life... that's why it's called life.

³ Join me in spreading the news;
together let's get the word out. Come see His glory everyone!

⁴ God met me more than halfway,
he freed me from my anxious fears. My favorite part as I know I can not always make it half way. He will remove my stress and anxieties. He will give me relief.

⁵ Look at him; give him your warmest smile.
Never hide your feelings from him. How can I not even think of Him without smiling at Him? He loves me just the way I am. He created me, even with my depression, with my faults, with my strengths, with my failures. He has given me times to excel and times to grow. He has given me everything.

⁶ When I was desperate, I called out,
and God got me out of a tight spot. Oh, how I call out to Him in desperation. Praying for Him to help me get through one day, then the next. To see the beauty in each day He's given me. He's helped me more than all the friends I have, put together. He will always be there for me.

⁷ God's angel sets up a circle
of protection around us while we pray. Wow.... God sends His angels to be with me! I can feel their embrace and warmth of their love.

⁸ Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him. Open your eyes and see! God is good! God is wonderful! God is amazing!

⁹ Worship God if you want the best;
worship opens doors to all his goodness. There is absolutely no reason not to worship Him.

¹⁰ Young lions on the prowl get hungry,
but God-seekers are full of God. I want to be full of God and His glory!

¹¹ Come, children, listen closely;
I'll give you a lesson in God worship. Close your mouth and listen to God's word!

¹² Who out there has a lust for life?
Can't wait each day to come upon beauty?

¹³ Guard your tongue from profanity,
and no more lying through your teeth. This is so easy these days. Swearing and lying are so commonplace that the majority of people do not see anything wrong with it. Well... there is ... God doesn't want us to do either, both are sinful!

¹⁴ Turn your back on sin; do something good.
Embrace peace—don't let it get away! Another favorite of mine here. Sin can be made of so many different things. I know it's easy for me to be jealous of others, feel bad about myself, and several other things, but these are sinful behaviors that I must turn my back on. God wants me to be with Him, not in sin. Peace... I need to learn how to embrace it!

¹⁵ God keeps an eye on his friends,
his ears pick up every moan and groan. He's watching us all the time and hears our pleas.

¹⁶ God won't put up with rebels;
he'll cull them from the pack. Follow HIM!

¹⁷ Is anyone crying for help? God is listening,
ready to rescue you. Oh my gosh, who isn't crying for help from God at some point in their life? I know that I do it often. God listens to me... and to you.

¹⁸ If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;
if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. My heart may not be broken in ways others may understand, however, it has cracks in it that need some mending. God is the caulk that will fill those cracks and glue my heart back together.

¹⁹ Disciples so often get into trouble;
still, God is there every time. We all sin, even Christians. God is still there for us.

²⁰ He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone;
not even a finger gets broken. Can you imagine Him as your bodyguard? Think of Him that way. He will protect you no matter what. He is always there for you.

²¹ The wicked commit slow suicide;
they waste their lives hating the good. Do you hate what is good?

²² God pays for each slave's freedom;
no one who runs to him loses out. Take a deep breath and RUN to Him...

One favorite phrase I've heard:
When you can no longer run - walk, when you can not walk - crawl, when you cannot crawl - HE WILL CARRY YOU!

I need to allow Him to carry me further than ever before. Great things are happening in my life and I know Satan is trying to pull me down. Make me weak, before God can be truly glorious in my household. However, I have God as my rock and foundation... He will keep me strong and feeling hopeful. He will lead me to where I need to be for all this to work the way He wants it to be.

God will be glorious in the end!

Power of Prayer

Psalm 88: ¹ LORD, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. ² May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.

Today is such a beautiful day. I woke to the overcast sky, but we have a sky. My annoying alarm woke me from such a great sleep, which of course I would always love to now wake up from, but I am grateful that I did. Even with that annoying alarm.

My focus as of late has been learning more about how to change the way I think naturally. When I write I have the opportunity to think before I write, which makes what I want to say much clearer and usually more optimistic. Unfortunately, inside my head the first thoughts are not always the best. To help my mind change the way it thinks, I have made some decisions. I need to focus more time and energy on God, period! To do this I am reading other books now. I just finished Cartwheels in the Rain, by Joe Dubowski. It's an inspirational story of him overcoming the grief he found himself in when Gayle was killed (@NIU 2/14/08). I remember many things from my point of view as I read his book. No matter what happens in your life, God is always with you. You're job is never really done. Even after Gayle died, she is still an inspiration to many people, and a joy to remember. I wish I had known her better.

The book I'm reading now is Mind Change, by Thomas Jones. I've read it once before and it helped me at that time. There is also a devotional book that I may purchase at a later time, I'm not sure yet. I wanted to re-read this book as it helped me overcome my depressive thoughts in the past. I need to find many ways to stay focused on the truth and not on what negative things pop into my head.

As for Psalms 88:1-2 prayer can be so powerful. It can help in so many ways. God knows what we want to pray for, even if we cannot put it into words. This happened to be what Sunday's message was about. How even when you don't know what to say to God, just saying to Him "help me" is a prayer. God hears all prayers. Yes, I know, we may not like the answer we get, but he does answer us.

I have also begun writing more in my personal journal. I want so much to write more than I do. I know there is so much stored in my head and I want to get it out. To do this I want to write.

^{Psalm 88: 1} LORD, you are the God who saves me;
day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

Call out in prayer when you need to... yell to God... cry out to God... pray quietly... whisper to Him... have a conversation with Him... Prayers are answered. Watch the ripple affects once a prayer is answered, no matter how it is answered. How will you respond to His answer?

Even if the answer is not what you expected, will you be joyful? Will you rejoice in any sufferings you go through? Look at it this way... God has entrusted you with going thru whatever He's put infront of you. If you have an illness, God has entrusted you with it. Will you embrace this illness? Or will you be angry and spiteful toward Him? Will you face it with prayer and trust that no matter the outcome God will be with you throughout the whole ordeal? Don't push Him away, allow Him to carry you sometimes to get you through one day. Pray for Him to carry you, to help you through whatever is thrown at you.

He will help you if you allow Him to!

God is AMAZING!

Putting things into words are difficult right now. It's amazing to see where I've been and where I'm going. What's even more amazing is that my husband has begun his journey to find the truth in God. In the past three weeks there have been many changes in our household and many more to come. God has truly shined His light on our family right now!

Will has decided that he wants to make his life right with God. This in itself is an answered prayer. He's done so much in just a short time! His heart is on fire for the truth of God.

In simple terms; God is changing my life drastically. I can only imagine where we will be in a month, or a year...

God is glorious!

Wow!

Psalm 19:14 May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

I have been focusing on this passage for a few weeks now. Trying to make sure that whatever I say to my husband is in a Godly manor and not negative. Of course, I'm not perfect and I have stumbled. I'm sure I've said things that both made no sense and things that were hurtful. This is not the way God wants me to be living my life. He wants me to be encouraging to others.

With having depression, this has been difficult often. My nature is to be negative toward everything and not to encourage others. I am working on this with everything I do. I am working on being more aware of what I say and how I say it.

God is an awesome instructor!

Too long

As it has been almost two months since I've posted here, there have been many new events in my life. The holidays were very difficult this year. Thanksgiving was good. We spent it at my sister's. I love getting the chance to visit her and Mom. I miss them more than they know. Each time I get to visit I realize how much I miss them. I would love to live closer but that's just not going to happen right now.

Christmas was a major struggle for me. I know that for whatever reason God has allowed my family to be humbled this year. My hubby hasn't worked since May 2009... so Dec was 19 months. This is the first year I didn't spend a dime on Christmas or send out any cards. It was so difficult. I know God has a plan though. He will work things out and it's ok. We had a good Christmas anyway. We spent the day together as a family. We played a couple different games and in the end it was a good weekend together.

The stresses of life has taken it's toll on me lately. I've become very depressed and unsure of the future. Luckily, when I look at it in God's view... everything will be alright. He walks with me daily, He knows what I feel, He will push me through the rough days when I can no longer walk. He is my rock, my sword and my shield.

From one of the teens today: Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

I have to say that I am a very lucky person. I have some amazing people in my life! In the last two summers I have had the honor of assisting at church camp. This has given me the opportunity to meet some amazing people. I know that many adults do not view teens the way I do. The kids I know... wow, they are so awesome.

Yesterday I was encouraged by several. I had the opportunity to chat with a few after church and can truly see God working in their lives. He is so previlent in their lives, it's amazing. I cherish each and every one of my friends, even the ones that are under 20! They can be the most amazing. Fighting off the world while in the middle of it. Encouragement like that is awesome. I love each one of them! There are several who know how special they are to me... I will keep reminding them too.

I am hoping to get in a true QT later today, but wanted to blog anyway today. These things have been on my heart and I wanted to share it.